This blog is frequently a place for me to work out things I’m thinking – kinda like talking out loud to oneself. Not all entries are written with an audience in mind. This one is not. It’s just me musing. (Don’t want MasterDoc to assume that I’m complaining because I’m not, I’m just pondering.)
So now I have my first real dom in my life. It’s been interesting to discover the things about a D/s relationship that I love and the things I don’t like so much. I have to admit that I’m mostly a bedroom submissive – sub in my sex life but pretty damn stubborn and independent outside of that. The biggest challenge has been submitting in ways that happen away from a sex scene. While in the middle of a scene I have no trouble following directions, in fact, I get off on it. In my day to day life, I start feeling rebellious. Granted, I’m so into being the good (albeit sexually naughty) girl throughout my life that I don’t rebel, I just ponder what the heck I’m doing when I hold off masturbating because I don’t have MasterDoc’s permission. It also frustrates me that I don’t have autonomy in choosing my sex partners any more. Granted, my rampant horniness could probably use a little reining in now and then, but it’s not in my nature to leave these decisions up to someone else. This is the difficult part of being a sub, for me.
It’s not all bad, while I wish I wasn’t under orders to walk to work twice a week it really is good for me to do so. This is adding something clearly good to my life. And because of the way my relationships are set up I’m free to have sex with Davey whenever I wish – so I do have some sexual freedom. But sometimes a girl just wants to masturbate before falling asleep at night. Sometimes it’s not about the sexual so much as the comfort and relaxation. Sometimes you’re just too tired for partnered sex but a quick rubbing one out is fine. Of course, when I was thinking about this last night I was also too tired to get out of bed and text MasterDoc for permission. So I skipped the masturbation.
The funny thing is, while this frustrates me to no end it also makes me a little hot. There is something hot, for me, in having someone else in control. I just wonder how much control I’m comfortable with giving away. In some respects it’s therapeutic to give up control and have it work out positively – getting back into bdsm after the assault was harder than regular sex because of the control issues. Having control taken from you is different from giving it consensually, but it’s scary to give control even consensually after someone’s taken it from you without your consent. But of course having D/s play that leaves me happy and satisfied helps me relinquish control more easily and with less stress.
When you trust the person in control of you it releases you – frees up your mind. Of course, I like thinking for myself, so therein lies the contradiction. I guess I like both things. As usual I’m a bundle of contradictions. I can be both shy and outgoing. I can be really quiet and really talkative. I can be extremely patient and extremely impatient. And I like being in control and giving up control. I guess this is why I ultimately consider myself a switch who leans more towards being sub. I feel submissive far more often than I feel dominant, but I do have my dominant moments. Actually, I think independent is a better word than dominant as it’s more about being in control of myself and not other people. I’m not particularly dominant.
While I sometimes get frustrated by being sub, I often enjoy it. I thought I’d really dislike things like doing little chores at MasterDoc’s place (clearing the dishes, cleaning up after play) but there’s something nice about serving in that capacity – just like it’s nice to do things at home for Davey. It feels more about being in service to someone you care about and less about being someone’s servant in the negative way. Being a servant isn’t always a demeaning proposition. I can see the honor in being in service to someone. This is why having a dom you respect is key. When you respect your dom it’s a joy to help out. Sometimes my desire to be lazy comes into the picture, but I can say that MasterDoc has never asked me to do anything bad or harmful. Frustrating, yes – it might make me get off my lazy ass when I’d rather be sitting down. But nothing that will cause me harm. Not having an orgasm is frustrating, but it won’t kill me. He’s proven himself worthy of my trust and respect.
It’s going to be interesting to see where this journey takes me. While I sometimes feel frustrated, being a sub is something I’ve long wanted to do. And most of the time it makes me really happy. It’s definitely going to be a learning experience.
In some respects I chafe at the little things I’ve given up control over. But in some respects it feels really good to have someone rein me in. Giving up control can be liberating, if that makes sense. Anyway, it makes sense to me.
Ok I think my train of thought has just derailed. As I said, this is just me thinking out loud about a bunch of things.
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