Intensity

When I was in my early 20′s I thought being a scorpio was just the coolest thing. We’re the sex addicts of the zodiac, we’re passionate, intense perverts. Yeah, rock on!

As I get older, however, I’ve started to think that being Ms. Intensity kinda sucks. I’ve scared off many men with my intensity. When I like someone I don’t just like them, I fall into deep, intense infatuation. Not all the time, but often enough.

This happened to me recently. I was pre-menstrual last Friday, feeling all emotional and intense (it’s much worse during pms) and I decided I just had to email N. and tell him how strongly I feel about him and how I want to be his primary partner (in addition to having Davey as my primary partner, crazy, I know) blah blah blah…. and how does he feel about me – should I just chill the fuck out because I’ll get hurt if I don’t? No, I didn’t use all of these particular words but a great deal of that was implied. Of course, his reaction was “Whoah! Slow down!” And I spent a day or two freaking out thinking, “Oh god, I’ve scared another one off!”

Now I want to make clear, as intensely as I feel/felt about him I never fell in love. I can tell the difference between love and infatuation and this was infatuation. But damn was it intense.
It still is actually. To N.’s credit he was flattered and gentle and kind in telling me that I really need to chill out. And so I’m chilling out. But I have to admit it makes me like him all the more that he can accept my intensity and not be scared off by it. So many people are scared off by intense feeling. But it’s how I live… I can’t really be any way else. N. commented once on how I feel so much sexually and that other women don’t feel as much as I do. And in some respects I’m sure that’s true, not only in bed but in my emotions otherwise. Sometimes it’s a wonderful, wild ride. This morning I spent some time doing artwork and I got into this passionate, creative mood and I felt exhilarated. I danced around my house passionately for a while after. I feel so good now, letting that intensity out. I suppose the best thing is just to find appropriate channels for my intensity and not get caught sending crazy emails to my lovers.

Hey, no one ever said dating me was boring.