I got an email from the Irishman that made me hot this morning. It’s such a nice feeling to feel spontaneously horny as it’s often not that easy for me. I was writing back and I felt a twinge of nervousness at being so wanton and sexual. I worried that being so might put me in a dangerous situation again, as if I was asking for it. I had to talk to myself to realize that by being sexual, I’m NOT asking to be assaulted or raped and that by being at a sex party two years ago I wasn’t giving asshole permission to assault me. I told him to stop and he should have respected that.
It’s really sad that I have to consciously reason this out in order to enjoy myself and be sexual again. It partly explains the problem I have with being horny these days – I associate it with a bad situation and worry that being that way might lead me into another one. The consequence is that I don’t get to enjoy the feeling of horniness and unbridled sexuality – a feeling I really love. I see this is the next thing I need to work on. I have had good, hot sex recently and I need to realize that that’s the likely outcome of being sexual, not another assault. It really pisses me off that I have to go through this. I used to be so easily sexual, and orgasm so quickly and easily that this is a huge change to my life. Asshole has no idea how much he changed my life by his actions.
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