I once thought of ‘coming out’ as a moment in time -you’re in the closet and then… you come out. But it’s really a long term process. At this point in my life I’m out about my bisexuality to a lot of people, but certainly not to everyone. I just came out to my mother and brother a couple of months ago, and I’m not out to my father yet. This is a little odd since I’m close to my dad and have a much better relationship with him than my mother, but he’s a bit homophobic. I came out to my brother when I asked him about his sexuality (he’s gay) and knew that telling him was tantamount to telling the entire family. I’m reasonably sure that he told my mother before I did. She was too unsurprised by it for her to not have known. (Plus my cousin had asked him not to tell anyone about her being lesbian, but my mom knew about that via my brother.) I think he might have actually not told my dad, however, as he’s been too busy avoiding him and avoiding the conversation about his own sexuality with dad. Funny thing is, dad’s figured it out. And I’ve told my brother this. But everyone has to come out in their own way at their own time.
I think the pivotal moment was (finally) coming out to myself when I was 27. Through my 20′s up to that point, I considered myself “bi-curious” but couldn’t actually admit that I really liked women, that no it wasn’t just something I liked to think about. When I took ecstasy for the first time I had an epiphany, amidst the music and lights of the gay party in the Tunnel – I AM BISEXUAL. Not curious, not sorta into girls, but really and truly I am bi. And I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I wanted to shout it to the world.
Of course, I didn’t. But what liberation to be able to identify myself for what I am. After that point, I thought back through my life and realized that the signs had always been there and that deep down I’ve always known. As a little girl I had crushes on both boys and girls. While dating guys wasn’t a hardship in high school and college since I do genuinely like them (yes, this is a luxury that gay men and lesbians don’t have), but in the mean time I had crushes on women, fantasized about women and even preferred looking at women in porn. I am undoubtedly queer.
In the years since, I’ve gradually come out to more and more of my friends – and no one’s run away as of yet. I have a good bunch of friends; very open-minded people. I never planned to come out to my family, but once I started realizing that my brother might actually be gay (I had a gut feeling for a long time, but no proof until last year), I decided that if it would help him in his coming out I’d be willing to be out to my parents. I wonder how true that is as I’m still scared to tell my father. I really feel like it’s time to be out, however.
I’m less out about polyamory although even that I’m becoming more open with. One place I don’t think I’ll ever be out is at work. Since I work with children having such an “alternative lifestyle” can potentially lead to losing a job, so I keep stum. I really wish, however, that I could just be open about who I am. Being able to be out is such an important thing – and I totally understand why glbt pride month is necessary. People need to be able to live their lives openly. And if your way of living is considered wrong then you need to be all the more in people’s faces about it when you do come out. People will try to avoid thinking about who you are, they will deny who you love, but the world needs to be able to deal with this. They need to be made to sit up and take notice. Tolerance must be come to.
And so my story of coming out goes on, little by little. Who knows when or where it will end.
My biggest hopes lie with the cute woman. She’s smart, funny, adorable, sexy…*sigh* I really like her. I can’t wait to see her again.
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